no audio

Some times, some days, I just simply wish that I could write

that i could just say what I see inside my mind

But most days I am so lost

there is so much that goes in this life

I can't understand it

I fight hard to stay around

to keep my feet above the clouds

Because the reality drives me crazy

to feel my body dying

and fighting with all its might to stay alive

creating veins that do not exist

tolerating pain while feeling sick

it has become hard to write

to know what I would like to say

my mind has become blurry

as if every real thought

was hidden at the end of a maze

yet I try

A Heart a Day 4

A Heart a Day

Mon 11:15 Pm Jan 24, 2011

I owe hearts but they are drawings so as soon as I figure how to add them they will be here

This heart comes from my doctors, because thru-out my life I have met so many and all the good ones have fought to keep me alive

I can only say I wish I knew a way to thank them because just saying it does not do for all they have done for me

I have been blessed with luck

because I have been able to find just who I need when I need it

some people has told me that I have bad luck, that is just funny

but if I think about it, bad luck would be not to find anyone that could help me at a time of need

fear has been a loyal companion thru-out my life, yet every doctor that helps always finds away to rid of my fear

all my Doctor believe in God

I do not think that a coincidence, but a way to confirm that there is a greater being looking after us

battered people

I have a Doctor in my family and he is the standard I use to know every Doctor that cares for me

for twelve years I have been living with some one else's heart

altho after so many years it belongs to me already

but I had a doctor in charge of that heart and through every complication he took care of me, made me feel loved and I knew he cared for my well being

he still does, he chose my new doctor who saved my life after my most resent heart attack

he has kept this heart beating when other doctors could not figure out what was wrong

I love this people, I owe them my life

and so far this is the best I can do to thank them

I am getting ready for my next heart transplant and I can only hope for the same kind of people to always be on my side

Thats why this Heart comes from them, because they save lives every day

they keep this heart fighting and they have become an important part of my family.

A Heart a Day 3

A Heart a Day

Sat 8:00 Am Jan 15, 2011

This heart comes from my Music, My only escape, the only way I know to free my self from all types of pain

I fell in love with it at a young age, but it wasn't until I was given a guitar that I understood what it said

each melody had a story to tell, even when I was just learning

I could hear my guitar speak, sweet words with every single emotion ever felt

It was just like learning a different language

but day after day each word became clear

I would fall asleep on my bed playing my guitar over my chest

listening to its sweet words

I fell in love

I believe that the music I make speak the words that I'm afraid to say

and some times it screams, it cries, and simply lets me understand my own emotions

I have written many songs that would just be poems if not for my music

I flew from Puerto Rico to Boston in need of a new heart

I have never been so sick, never been so scared

but thanx to my music I could have a moment when all this disappeared

and I felt alive

During this time I wrote my best songs ever

eventually I kept getting better

but after my heart transplant I had to lear it all over again

I was no longer capable of many things

I felt destroyed

I knew how to play but my hands could not understand that

I kept trying every day

and I have to confess I have never been the same

a lot was lost during that change

and as time passed I felt maybe I had a chance

But my heart got sick again

and this time my hands where un able to play a note with out me drowning in a pool of pain

my music was no longer my friend, my lover, my escape

I could not say a word of how I felt

so I tried a different instrument

I began to compose in my computer with a piano and other things

I had found the escape

but still my true love seemed galaxies away

I learned new stiles of music, new ways of creating

but my soul still had a void

I have done everything in my power to get my hands back

and after a long a painful time

I can play my guitar once again

I can speak from within my soul

It may sound strange for some people but I know what I have gone thru is not easy

so being able to still create music is a grate deal to me

I am my favorite musician

and thats why this heart comes from It, Music, the language of souls.

A Heart a Day 2

A Heart a Day

Fri 2:13 AM Jan 14, 2011

This heart comes from my mother, the one that has given her entire life to keep me alive.

the one that never gave up hope when she was told that trying to save me was a waste of time.

She has done more than this, she understands my frustrations, tolerated my mood swings

she listens to me whenever I get some crazy idea of something to talk about

always with a smile

positive like no one else

firm in her believes about God, even when I come up with some crazy way on how he is nothing like the God she believes in

to be perfectly hones, she is the strongest woman I know with the most patients of all

and the horrible part of all this, I am the only one that can brake thru that

I can make her loose her cool like no one in the world and she does the same to me

Over protective, always trying to help me

even when all I am trying to do is feel like a normal person

she just cant

but I understand

she has fought for so long for my wellbeing it would be ridiculous for me to ruin it all just because I'm trying to prove something to the air

I love my mother and its been for ever since I told her this

and I should be telling her this every day

letting her know how much she means to me

But those words are like an unknown dialect to me this days

I am afraid, the day I say those words it would me my last day.

I would have to say, the only reason I have been able to live thru all my surgeries

its because I inherited my mothers strength and learned to tolerate all the painful things

that my life has to bring

some people say I inspired them and that only makes me laugh

because maybe they haven't really met my mother

I have physical and some mental strength for my kind of life

but my mother has Spiritual strength

one thing that at times I lack

but she re-builds it with her words

So that is why this heart comes from her, because she is my other pillar of strength

and all the good things that I am I owe them to her.

A Heart a Day 1

A Heart a Day

Th 1:21AM Jan 13, 2011

This Heart comes from my sister, who inspires me every day, I wish I was inspiring the way she is to me.

But every-time I see her feeling down, I feel as if my world comes crumbling down and theirs nothing that I can do.

ever since she was born my soul has been attached to her, she has been my inspiration and one of the reasons of why I'm here today.

I should be drawing a heart but I really love writing and I am so inspired by her own work that I decided to do this.

I have to admit I hated books until a few years ago but then I found how to let my nightmares out with out them coming back each night haunting me anymore.

I enjoyed it very much but not as much as seeing my sisters work who spent most of her life saying that I received all the talent and she received none.

what load of crap for her to dare and say that. I may have a good imagination on how to create a place that does not exist.

But She, She can actually help you see the things in front of you that you are afraid to see.

she can explain life better than a poet for she doesn't mess around with ripples in the water that that define your way of life.

you can simply understand it no matter who you are. I do not know how to speak, I am cold, I am harsh, I am very rude and before I say a word I do not waste any time to think.

Her in the other hand is way smarter than me; I did manage to mess her up a bit, when she wants to be rude even I can be afraid.

but unlike me she is smart about it, I just go in blazing guns taking no hostages, but she becomes an artist on it.

I can't ovoid but laughing about this things because I believe is true.

My sister has been my best friend my entire life, no other brother and sister I know get along as well as we do.

I do feel and know that I could talk to her about everything In my life, all except of how I feel about my health, my heart, me dying.

just because even tho she is one of my pillars of strength, I feel she might not bet strong enough to understand what goes thru my head every day

and of corse it kills me to se her sad and that topic is a party killer, there is never a good time to talk about this things so I must avoid my daily thinking when she's around me.

because inside of me some times thats all I wish I could talk about. So that is why this heart comes from her because while mine is rapidly dying I use hers to keep me alive.